Monday, May 24, 2004

they say it comes every seven days

Farewell to another weekend of lunch meetings and drunken movie-watching at The Bridge (why doesn't everyone go there? really). I'm currently enjoying the fact that I have more japanese people helping me than sofia coppola right now. I'm also eagerly awaiting the return of my boss, so i can do what i do best...slack off? blog?

Blind Item!

What hot new indie-ish band recently found themselves literally in a closet during a recent tour with a major label side-project? Their original dressing room was used for the post-party "hospitality suite."

Thursday, May 20, 2004

who could ask for anything more?

The Deal:
I live in a really expensive apartment that I would desperately love to move out of so I can migrate to nyc, pay more money for less space and be anna wintour's personal kick-ball. At this apartment I have a lovely view of a tree, hardwood floors, a rat, and a couple neighbors who mistakenly think they have a) balls and b) rhythm. They have neither. But they do persist in some kind of blatant expression of "hyperactive" (I prefer a poor acting attempt to make the nonexistant seem plausible) testosterone and play the drums. daily. loudly. for hours. And while I'd like to applaud these mongoloids for not letting societal impressions of the retarded burst their bubble, I don't want to live within earshot of it.

So today, while fleeing to whole foods, a bum asked me if I could help him out. "Not unless you help me out" I replied.

And that is how I am going to get peace and quiet for the price of dinner.

Should this plan fail, I have a back-up involving a miniskirt and a chocolate-covered frozen banana, but I am loath to get to that point.

More Gay Hobbits?

Dominic Monaghan (Merry in LOTR) has been booked to meet gay west hollywood geeks at the West Hollywood Best Buy. The event begins at 10:30pm and ends at 12:01am May 25th, leaving Dominic just enough time to go to RAGE.

Page Six had better have fun with this.

Death Disco Extraordinaire

Unless, of course, you are a DJ. Magu the Subtle Navigator (one of the best DJs in LA) tried his best to keep his cool last night while watching Peaches DJ without ever touching the mixer (or vinyl) at Star Shoes. At least she knew she wasn't a DJ and had a dancer beside her and a nude Jamie Coon dancing while painted white. There's some kind of symbolism behind that that I'm probably missing. It was fun, but someone threw beer on my armani and I am against anything that even vaguely reminds me of parties I attended when I was 14 (aka. tacky college parties).

Only in LA can you go to Westside dinner event hosted by a dermatology clinic (raffle for botox, collagen and restalyne included) only to follow it up with indie guys staring lustfully at naked women in a hipster bar.

Catholics pay for anything

Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code has apparently left "the most controversial part" out of the novel. Come on, Dan, we're dying to know what it is...really. A new version of the novel will now be released to ensure that this damn books stays on the Bestseller list for two years.

In slightly unrelated news...
Just to prove that people in Southern California really are retarded, here's our Bestseller lists for fiction as of 5/16:
1. 'The Da Vinci Code'
2. 'Just One Look'
3. 'The Five People You
Meet in Heaven'
4. 'Bergdorf Blondes'
5. 'The Full Cupboard
of Life'

I know that four days is asking a little too much for a complete revival of Evelyn Waugh, but I do not expect my recently purchased copy of Decline and Fall to go unnoticed.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Take the opium OFF the masses

Just received this in my e-mail inbox:

In our upcoming issue, BABY! #11 promises a in-depth look at CELEBRITY. Quite purely, BABY takes a quirky look at the fame game, from glamourous actors, eminent artists, musicians to serial killers and others who are thrown into the spotlight by infamy, criminal acts, and strange circumstances. Celebrity culture is everywhere. Celebrity is like 'opium off the masses,' like a religious cult, with actors as prophets, with cinemas as places of worship.

I couldn't think of any better way to put this. In fact, while I was watching Brad Pitt in Troy, I couldn't describe it any way other than prophetic. As I worshipped him in the Fox Theater, I even remember thinking to myself, "I bet he's onto something here. I bet the Trojans won't win."

Thursday, May 13, 2004

My puerile humor hurts me

It's very possible that I sustained brain damage at the launch party last night. I keep looking at the "Annabelle the Sheep" visualization on my RealPlayer and laughing at its inability to dance to Air.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Make this another one I blew

Just was told--two years later--that my neighbor is the nephew of the man with the golden voice and the son of this underachieving actor. I had always wondered how he could afford to live in his really expensive westside apartment sans roommate. I suppose I should meet my neighbors instead of pounding shots of whiskey on my landing alone and talking on a cell phone.

I'm only a few months late

The first 12 episodes of Sex & the City's sixth season comes out on the 18th. This makes people who have thrown their TV out of their window after setting it on fire quite happy, so, uh, you know, me. I am still blissfully unaware of what happened in most of season six, so I quite look forward to this in a guilty catholic sort of way. You'll find me on the couch with some darvoset, pinot grigio and a disconnected phone until I'm through.

Monday, May 10, 2004

oh where oh where can I be?

Well my boss is in Haifa right now and while she's doing that and the other one is knocking her knee out of alignment I'm in a different office doing a ton more work and still applying for new jobs.

If anyone feels like hiring me I'll gladly begin blogging again like I'm meant to.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

A real dirty west-side rat

I haven't posted much today because I'm getting ready to do my boss' job--she's leaving for Israel tomorrow--applying for new jobs, and worrying about the possible rat in my apartment.
yes, rat. I pay $1350 a month for a 1 bedroom rat-infested apartment with no parking space.
Arriving home yesterday, I noticed that my organic fuji apple (about a $3 value!) was on the opposite side of the kitchen. Upon closer inspection, I also noticed that it had been mauled like someone took a bite out of it, dug their fingernails into the rest of the circumference of the apple and threw it down, or had, in a fit of rage, torn a piece of apple apart from its whole. I imagined my 5'2" 100lb roommate doing this. It didn't fit. Confused, I wait in silence for her arrival. When she enters the kitchen, I ask, "Hey, what's up with my apple?"
"You didn't do this?"
"I thought you much have gotten really mad and destroyed your apple. It was wierd, but I didn't say anything." I chose not to say i had thought the same of her.
"If not you, then who?"
While saying she didn't know, that it could have been an animal, but how on earth could one get inside our fortress of a second-floor apartment, she lifts the curtain on our kitchen window to reveal a large gnawed hole in the screen. We gasp in terror.

And, this, unfortunately is where the story ends in an irritating "To Be Continued" fashion. Is the animal still there? Maybe. I left a message on my slumlord's machine but have not yet heard back. I nearly prostituted myself out of fear that I'd wake up with some type of sea-rat illness and a chunk of my ankle (but unfortunately not my thigh) missing. I will not know until I get home whether Hugh, the gourmet rat (a few overripe chiquita bananas ($1.00) were left irritatingly unscathed) has brained himself against our now-closed window, eaten the poison I have seductively laid out (marketing training may be handy afterall) or make a dash for my open bottle of red wine.

jumping on the olsen twins' wagon SUV

Normally I keep my mouth shut about the twins, but LA Comfidential did such a good just eeking out info on them, that I thought I'd add a little more verified dirt. Let's just say I have a source that is the perfect age with the best job ever for such scrounging. The Olsen Twins have been getting completely trashed at High School parties for several years now and then driving their SUVs wherever. While at said party it has been witnessed that the two girls "acted like total sluts" and will make out with just about anyone. (although, apparently the high school boys are a little slow on this because the ones I've polled show very little interest in them). Also at said party the two girls made out with one very ugly teen--perhaps as charity? perhaps drunk-vision kicked in? I know I can't be the only one who has fallen prey to such problems--at roughly the same time. This happened several years ago as my source has....uh...grown up.

The OT also gave me, my brother, and his girlfriend the stink-eye at the Ventura Blvd Benihana--a restaurant I was kindof ashamed to even be in, but it was his birthday--in Encino. Seriously girls, I may have not rented your movies, but that's no reason to stare down your elders! Also, I think I should get awarded some kind of points or credit based on the fact that in elementary school I carpooled with a family that had a young daughter that would ONLY listen to the OT albums. Three years of fried hell coming right up...

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

adoration: just add water

In a move that is the equivalent to the heavy-breather on the other end of the telephone I have rendered all of my friendster bookmarks visible. If you see my little face on your bookmarks page and you didn't put me there, you can imagine me watching your profile's every move from my red velvet room with burning candles, a can of crisco and the police on heavy rotation. (Note: i encourage all in the midst of fiesta madness to harass me on friendster or just on this site. Here's a hint: Craig reveals my full name several times on his blog. So give it a go...really)

adoration: just add water

In a move that is the equivalent to the heavy-breather on the other end of the telephone I have rendered all of my friendster bookmarks visible. If you see my little face on your bookmarks page and you didn't put me there, you can imagine me watching your profile's every move in a red room with burning candles, a can of crisco and the police on heavy rotation. (Note: i encourage all in the midst of fiesta madness to harass me on friendster or just on this site. Here's a hint: Craig reveals my full name several times on his blogGive it a go...really)

day 2

and I have already checked defamer 80,000 times. Sure, I'm bored at work, but I also find myself drawn. This whole world of TV thing saddens me, however, as I do not have one. but I suppose I should stop bitching, and start going to the premieres and list-only parties that I constantly invited to so I can pull my weight. The last gossip I had involved Christian Slater and Les Deux Cafe both of which appear to be over, quite over. I do, however, fear that this website will only make me more painfully aware of the increasing gym time I am logging in and my decreasing drink time (in prep for a massive europe trip this summer).

and then a large albatross completely obstructed my commute route!

Not a lot of posting today as I came to work a half-hour late citing a mythical shot that I needed to have today, this moment, at eight-thirty in the morning. I will also be seeing the double-feature of Touch of Evil & Experiment in Terror to celebrate my Cinco de Mayo as I do not want to be anywhere NEAR the Sunset Strip. As yes, Cinco de Mayo, the time when all the white kids in trucker hats celebrate.....uh...I'm not sure exactly. Here's a photo from Sunset last Cinco de Mayo. Look at all the pretty cars in complete and total gridlock.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

e as brie

it's a hot summer day and you have 500 extra feet of saran wrap aka. recreating the greenhouse effect. If I was in the sixth grade I'd win the science fair for this, unfortunately I'm in the eighth and competing against the kids growing hydroponic (medicinal) marijuana

handy tip #1

Like a good straight razor, pens should also be sharpened on a leather strip.

Next on "Day of the Locust"

The UPS man walked up to me and temporarily knocked me out with the strength of his cologne. When I finally came to, there was a box on my lap and Defamer (the gawker of the west) on my screen. Was this man an angel? a devil? who cares. We LA people only blog because we want to feel like we live in NY anyway. there

so I didn't go to coachella. I did, however, go to a wedding in la jolla with a 40 year-old bride where I ate fabulous vietnamese food and enjoying four open bars. later I sat in eames chairs and looked at drawings by john cage and got exceedingly drunk and came onto the wait-staff. it wasn't a field with thousands of people and no air-conditioning, but I think I did OK. Also, I feel encouraged by this wedding and my current single status. It is possible to get married at forty...and by then you'll probably get better gifts from your friends anyway.