mr. coffee & mr. buttcheeks
It's some good, old-fashioned virulence. you crapped on my head and now you're taking all my friendsters

the underbelly of senior care
i don't have a chic way to quote things yet, so if you're craig, avert thine eyes.

you may grannydump, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't get picked up somewhere. here are some choice quotes from living john water's character, esther:

"Stan: Stan was pretty ace with me. He thought I was his boss and that he was not interred at a home for saucy seniors but rather transferred to another location as a "branch manager." I'd report for my shift at 5:30 a.m. and he'd be awake, fully dressed and waiting for me with a clipboard.

Lillie: Lillie taught at my elementary school when I attended there. I freaked out the day I started my job because I remembered seeing her doing arts and crafts with students and eating lunch with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Clifford. It turned out that she had been teaching with paranoid schizophrenia and the beginning stages of alzheimer's for years. How can you go on like that for so long? Having her around broke my heart, too, because it was my job to put her in restraints for a good portion of the day. The muscles in her legs had begun to atrophy. I used to give her magazines and she would read from them to me while I was filling out charts. It's strange to hear a former teacher shout things like, "Kodak film, on sale, two nine nine." She'd get amazingly upset by random phrases she read, too. She read the phrase "death metal" in Spin and started crying.

MYSTERY PATIENT X: The cops found MPX wandering around downtown LA and he said he lived in VC so they brought him to us. He seemed like such a nice guy. Over Regis and Kelly, he and I were having pleasant discussion about baseball and the lunch menu. Two minutes later, he was beating the crap out of me and throwing punches into the ground."
esther's top ten patients from the senior loony bin

not only is the film and tv archive screening a bunch of bollywood flicks (in a series called "Bombay Melody"), they are also having a series of the Film Music of Henry Mancini! I don't think my idiosyncratic obsessions could feel any more fulfilled than right now.

my life in italian white
sorry to all those who tried to call me last night and failed. i was so stunned to see a simulacrum for a professor of mine in last month's vogue that i spilled a glass of pinot grigio all over my desk and phone. actually...that's untrue. i knew the ad was in there and while i was taking a photo of it for a dear friend of mine who has the good fortune not to fall for style.com's "$1 an issue!" ad, i spilled the wine on my phone.

clear nail polish with food coloring added?


can anyone tell me how this agnes b. "rasberry-tinted nail laquer" works? is it just a poorly phrased way of saying "red"? or is it more like lip stain for the hands? these questions need to be answered!
taken from style.com's shopping section

expect a layout tweak later this evening...I can't stand these huge hulking links and this flabby font any longer!

like "the days of wine and roses" during the fun part, or desperately seeking inspector clousseau
Having just admitted to my boss that the only reason I came to work right now was because I couldn't convince anyone to get trashed as moustache (my local fav) with me, I say we head on over to the bigfoot lodge in los feliz tonight before their drink of the month (the girl scout cookie) is through! Let's celebrate my early, forced retirement in style. I'm only twenty-one and may be moving to Prague in a matter of months where I will have to listen to hard eastern european techno, wear furs, speak with a cruelly guttaral accent and lose 85 pounds. Or i may be starving in new york along with everyone else from my coast who has decided, "Fuck the good weather! I want to freeze!" Other fixtures may include the arch sweetheart Brianna, and i-just-got-into-every-wonderful-graduate-school-for-my-MFA Brandon (who, by virtue of initials alone become the bopsy twins). Tell Brandon to move to the south, wear white linen suits and sip mint juleps on the verandah while I sing songs like a technicolor countess from the Pink Panther soundtrack. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: there's nothing like a good ol' lodge bar.

the new raunchiest ads ever
Some quick notes on the new Flaunt magazine...
The cover is awful! What's with this Selma Blair in neo Racquel Welch garb. And she's holding fire in her hands? what a promethian! Please...after last month's fiasco of Ashton Kutcher, i don't think i can take another atrocious cover.
nipple count is on 8...is this a direct janet retaliation? (We'll put nipples on every page if we have to!)
I'm not sure what the Svedka vodka ads are telling me...but i think i like it

i missed the black clock launch party, and as i am looking at calarts to foster my currently bizarre creativce trend in extremely literary music and extremely musical literature, i really should have gone, but alas, i was busy seducing boys with trucker hats in the library (yeah, not my cup of tea either). who needs a fun free REDCAT party anyway?

still on the thomas crown affair

for a movie with two absolutely putrid songs in it, they certainly didn't seem to realize it. this soundtrack consists of the same two songs done in every way imaginable, french, english, instrumental, jazzy, orchestral...and as much as i loathe these two songs, there's got to be something about them that has made me turn this library into a veritable meat-market. it'd be best to stop this before it gets too obvious, like jovan musk, but it's just too irrestistable looking at men in the library with an intimidating gaze. although i did nearly ravish a man's hair while he looked at an art journal, this laptop cages me in...chains me to a source of pseudo-reality (ha! as if the blogosphere can be called reality from any perspective). should renewal be denied me, i may go insane...i may run wild within a library.

sorry for dropping off the face of this nice little planet i created here (where the drinks are stiff and the wit is stiffer) but every time i listen to the thomas crown affair soundtrack i suddenly want to dye my hair blonde, paint my fingernails the same color as my hands (to make them more talon-like), and play erotically charged games of chess. eh, i actually always want to do this.
well my fine feathered friends, this walking, talking piece of aspartame is signing off...until tomorrow, which is when most of you will read this anyway.

some day someone on the street will finally tell me that i don't know what the hell i'm saying when i speak in german or french...even less so when i am composing songs in either language.

go to the Hop Louie in Chinatown to see one of the most fabulously disgruntled bartenders in town and an astonishing collection of napkin art.

the subtext of the john holmes moustache that many hipster boys are rocking:
"Within this delicate frame is a pornstar ready to pounce."
Do any of these boys realize that the holmes moustache is a direct negation of their oft-broadcasted and sung about emotional side?

rather late news, but i'm going with it anyway. after a fierce bidding war, midnight movies signed to emperor norton.
for those of you invited, see you at pistola tonight. i'll be there with bandmate in tow just to prove chris' actual existence

Friday
ex-dancer cum chanteuse, ute lemper performs tonight at royce hall through UCLA Live. I'll be there, will you?

Wish a pleasant good-bye to Jamandru as he spins one last time before he moves to Japan on us! Who will i smile furtively at in the Brewery Lofts now? My dear friends (Sean Patrick) Magu the Subtle Navigator (i.d.e.a. / Sensitize), and (Terryn) Lady Lyric (Reverse Commuter / Photocall), as well as acquaintance Jean Paul (Atomica Magazine / Resolution) and complete strangers praiseOne (Firecracker / Proper / Ass & Titties), Killa Kel (Goodfat / Proper) and Eli-173 (Photocall) will also spin. It's the best free option of the evening.
9 pm @ Vermont Bar, 1714 N. Vermont ave. / Los Feliz
(1 block N. of Hollywood blvd.)

e-mail for info

Wartime marytrdom can be found at "Ration Sacrifice" (featuring Gabe from The Starvations, Jorge
and Kevin from The Red Onions, and Jacqueline
from Central City Transmission). They appear with
The Holy Ghost Revival (Seattle), Lily And The Ladies, and Two Gallants (New York).
@ True Rehearsals / Solutions, 4334 Sunset Blvd (Silverlake)
All ages, $3

Skinny convlusive boy rockers, The Adored, perform with Von Iva (SF), and Julie's ex-boyfriend's band Pleasey Please for the
Franz Ferdinand CD Release Party (if you haven't picked this up yet, then please do so this evening!) at our own little piece of NY, Club L-Train.
@ The Scene, 806 E. Colorado Blvd Glendale, California
the adored

Petrol is the only place in LA where gas is free. Features include $3 drink specials and good music.
@ Vida, 1930 hillhurst (los feliz)


Saturday
Come catch my doppleganger and i at the MOCA opening for "A Minimal Future? Art As Object 1958-1968" from 5pm-11pm. Admission for non-members is $8. Should you find yourself suddenly skittish upon getting into this event, call me and i'll wrench you away from snooty docents.

You can also cross the 101 into chinatown to see the antarcticans, monster, donkey, the poly groaton experience, and Residual Echoes. Later you can play Faye Dunaway and Jack Nicholson.
@ furthermore, 990 N. Hill St. (chinatown)

there's nothing sweeter than a bunch of book addicts confessing their addictions and proclaiming their love for each other. We do all sound a little pervy and compulsive over there, though. I can say this because I have conquered my addiction by not buying any books this month (although i need to order about 20 this week, and am madly searching for the futurist cookbook) and stealing only 3 magazines (while resisting my lust for the New Yorker).

writing circle people,
during a work/play session last weekend, brandon and i came up with some ideas for organizing our motley crew and a new game for social turmoil (paparazzi). we suggest that we meet monthly at musso frank's, the minibar, moustache cafe, or anywhere else that also serves booze and isn't too loud.
we should all email our work to each other a week or so ahead of time.how does this sound?
brianna, could you please give patrick and ben this url?

See and Be Scene

everyone is talking about the drama at the filter party last tuesday. it's too bad i didn't go as i could have seen something i've never seen before, hipsters slugging it out at a bar with wall-art by marilyn manson and $8 glasses of house wine. Apparently the polaroid scene guy took photos. Who he anyway? It's not a slight coincidence that i stopped following friendster bulletins after this guy popped up everywhere snapping photos of all of us (and most offensively, with me in more experimental hair modes). It's not the photo-blogging that I dislike; it's the lack of textual content and captioning. "Oh Gee! It's another person with an edgy haircut!"
I did spot a photo of jeremy weiss looking pecularly tan (jeremy is on the right) along with photos of 90% of the people i know.
the bizarre thing is, they probably thought i was there. my social life lives on in infamy without me.

Report From the Rat's Nest

Large hair makes your body look smaller (sara suddenly realizes why her boyfriend appears so consistently skinny). It's one of those bizarre relationships of proportion that you never realized existed until you tried it. Problem spots disappear, and this hairstyle seems like a panacea for any possible flaw that could arise. Zit? No problem! Your hair will cover it! So what if your body is more like an i or a question mark? Poofy hair adds punctuates your style and staves off the boob and butt job everyone seems expected to have, right?
well, in theory it does.
The downside (or perverse upside if you're wry and evil like I am) is that eye makeup allows you to look gaudy in a way never before possible, faking italian accents was never so easy, and that while wearing certain items of clothing (kimonos, slips, et al.) it looks increasingly like you're riffing off of maggie the cat or running a subterranean opium den. It also becomes terribly obvious about half-way through "big-hair experiment 04" that big hair produces the following reactions in observers:
stammering
laughing
eye-rolling
sudden urges to listen to the complete works of the beegees

thomas pynchon and david lynch are extremely similar, when you get down to it

dailycandy LA just covered apple & audrey's new night at tangiers! They also call the beloved Matthew Frauman a celebrity DJ. Be sure to go to Tangiers on Monday, especially since Les Deux Cafe (same group of people) mysteriously shut its doors last december.
wild nights in tangier

dear tods,
thank you for the sabrina flat. you and salvatore are going to make me very happy this spring season.

elefant after-party at star shoes tonight. go and make doe-eyes at stephen for me since i'm stuck working through gertrude stein and some italian futurists.

No fatties allowed

W magazine says curves are in as long as you're a size two and you get your boobs and ass surgically installed.

"Keep the money in the Family" or "What am I, chopped liver?"

apparently

As someone who has signed on to donate their body to science, I find it distressing that my body parts would be sold on the black market by strangers. repeat: by strangers. Since my body parts will be sold, and my clothing will be given away through craigslist, I don't think I'm asking to much to make my body the burden of my family now.

suddenly there's a new option for all of us who don't have any particularly valuable or sentimental worldly belongings (or a relative we just don't want to give them to). To my nephew, I leave my ligaments. Sell them on the black market and put yourself through college, boy.

"Turkey suicide attack kills 1, wounds 5"
I read this headline and thought thanksgiving.

re: omarosa on the apprentice

c-list actresses struggling with the doorman at ivar kiss less ass than omarosa just did on jay leno.

a sigh of relief upon realizing that i only have a tv two days a week...

better late than never, right?

tonight:
vice vs friecracker
the 213 indoor/outdoor party
@ the grand star
943 n. broadway @ college in chinatown
9-2
$5 before 11pm, 21+
info: 626-454-7447

I'm about halfway through the sear's catalog that they call the March issue of Vogue. So far all i can say is... BIG HAIR IS IN. now, for those of us woeful enough to still be growing out a neo-mullet, what can we be expected to do? I have personally decided to opt for....the perm

I can hear your hush from here

What, really, is the problem with the perm? Why does perm-ing still have a bad reputation after all these years. Sure we all have stories about the ones that go horribly horribly wrong, but there are also stories of those that go horribly right (hello, marilyn monroe). Is perming just a lost art, or do perm experts lurk in the dark recesses of john frieda's salon? I imagine these artisans painstakingly curling each strand of hair, some a little differently, in order to create the maximum aesthetic.

And yet, you all are still horrified. My friend brandon just spent quite some time with me on the phone begging me to return to my helmut newton girl haircut, anything, ANYTHING but get a perm--a practice that resides comfortably with frosted tips, french manicures, and self-tanning.

Why, i ask you, is it ok to get your hair expensively striped like a zebra, but it's not ok to put some curl in it? I don't pretend to have an answer for this problem, but i hope that you do, and that you e-mail it to me.

For the first time in a long time this place is quiet, and now is the only time i do not wish to write.
In the one giant stammer that is my life, I had to ask for an extra ballot today because I screwed up with the mark-y pen. I miss the stiletto from other elections. It always gave me the feeling that I was somehow killing large numbers of politicians and this thought made me quite happy.

"oh my god" she said to the people standing near her, "i am officially a blogger"